Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Salem in 1985

I watched this video series in 10 second bursts. So if I have any information wrong, please excuse me. This cracked me up. My friends and I and most of the High School watched a lot of Days of our Lives in 1985. It all slowly came back to me. Here are some of the plot highlights.

Beau and Hope are on their way to a black tie auction. On their way they must pass a barn. Oh look, a pile of straw. The stop to have sex.
Kimberly caught a case of blindness that will clear up in the future. Her hair style is suspiciously modern. Did she return to 80's Salem from modern day Salem in Eugine's time machine? Shane is currently married to his back from the dead evil English wife Emma.
Melissa is involved in some plot to try to get Pete back. Pete is involved with the soon to be evil wife Ivy. Pete doesn't know it. But in less then a year, I along with a few hundred of my best friends and their mom's will be screeching at him in Gateway Mall. He is lucky to escape alive. Little does he know the unprovoked slap from Melissa is the least of his worries. Melissa has a cut out in the front of her formal Dress. Classy. Her hair is even nicer then I remembered. Red and naturally curly.
Chris Cossacheck is still Chris Cossacheck and not Roman.
Marlena is also attending the black tie action. Black tie hair for her means bigger hair. The hair must stand out 6 inches from the right side of her head.
Eugine and Calliope are being Eugine and Calliope.
Liz (of Liz and Neal) is still instantly annoying. We used to fast forward past her in High School.
For some reason the then Evil Patch (who will become the unevil Steve) wonders into the barn where Bo and Hope are still naked post romp. They remain undiscovered.
Victor arrives in Salem for the first time and buys an overpriced photo at the auction taken by Kim (presumably before she caught the blindness).
Beau and Hope arrive at the auction covered in straw. Everyone is polite and no one gives them the time and place of the next sex addicts anonymous meeting.
Caroline Brady spies Victor. She had an afair with him years ago. He is Bo's father, and not her husband Sean. In the year or so following, her daughter Kimberly will marry Victor. She will learn of their affair and mistakenly believe she is the product of the affair. She will believe she has unwittingly married her father.
Beau sneaks away from the black tie affair to have a knife fight with evil Patch on the dangerous Salem docks while the score from West Side Story plays softly in the background. Beau and Patch were once best friends in the rough and tumble merchant marines. They have matching tattoos. When they last met, Patch was getting it on with Beau's then girlfriend. There was a fight that left Steve without an eye. Refusing to get a glass eye, he would become known only as Patch by his unsympathetic friends.
Tony and Anna get spontaneously remarried by what appears to be a fake priest.
The ISA is trying to enlist Shane on an important mission.
Blind Kimberly proves she can dial a phone.
The knife fight fails to materialize because evil Patch failed to bring a knife to a knife fight(or so he claims).
Beau returns home to stare out the window and shirtlessly ponder the day's events.

Are you a bit older then me? Check out the Salem Slasher is Revealed on youtube.


  1. my broken computer and my children are conspiring to prevent me from watching this video, but your synopsis cracked me up. i vaguely remember some of this. caliope! she was so fashion forward! (didn't eugene go on to be q?)

  2. Eugene totally was Q on Star Trek the Next Generation. I found this when I was randomly looking for a picture of Calliope's light up wedding dress. It wasn't as cool as I remembered, but still cool.